


All Roads

by Chash



Series: Broman Holiday [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Reality Show, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 02:19:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17071613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chash/pseuds/Chash
Summary: By the last episode ofBromans, Bellamy feels as if he's got the best hang of the show he can have, which mostly means that while he doesn't know what's going to happen next, he knows it's going to suck.As it turns out, he's only sort of right.(Bellamy POV of When In Brome chapter 9)





	All Roads

**Author's Note:**

> Fill for [todayisthesortofday](http://todayisthesortofday.tumblr.com/)!

By the last episode of _Bromans_ , Bellamy is generally prepared for the worst. Or, if not the worst, at least the most absurd and least good for him, personally. That's the general Broman vibe.

Well, okay, the Clarke thing was good. _Bromans_ is the best thing that's happened to his relationship with her in years, but it's unclear how much credit the show itself deserves for that. It's not like the producers were trying to get him and Clarke together, and while the forced proximity was definitely a factor, that was entirely his and Clarke's decision. The challenges haven't made a huge difference, give or take the one where he had to ID Clarke's breasts. But, again, they weren't _trying_ to destroy his sanity or upgrade his relationship, and it's not like it helped with his general mental state. 

So he feels pretty comfortable saying that _Bromans_ is trying to kill him and never gives him anything good. Anything good he gets from it is incidental and unintentional. At best, the show is ridiculous.

Which means that when Murphy takes them away after breakfast on the second-to-last day, he's expecting something especially terrible. Any deviation from the routine is usually a red flag, especially this late in the game.

"Seriously, no hints?" he asks Murphy.

Murphy glances over his shoulder. "What part of our whole vibe makes you think I'm going to give you hints? That's not the dynamic we've got going. I don't actually like you."

"Bullshit," says Dax. "He's totally your favorite."

"That doesn't mean I like him," Murphy shoots back, without missing a beat. "It just means I hate all you other assholes more. No offense."

"Ah yes, the elusive inoffensive _I hate all you assholes_ ," says Roan, dry as sand. "Very hard to pull off."

"Whatever, I'm not telling anyone shit, so who cares what my personal ranking of favorites is? Legatus will tell you when he tells you."

"He'll be taking each of you aside individually," Anya puts in. At least it's someone's job to be helpful. "Order will be Dax, Roan, Ilian, Bellamy. Once you're done with Legatus, you'll have individual interviews, and then you'll go back to your girlfriends together. All clear?"

They chorus their agreement, used to this kind of thing by now, and speculate on what might be coming as they walk. The most convincing theory to Bellamy is that they're doing some sort of individual physical trial, although everyone has their own idea of what he specifics will be. Roan is sure they'll have to fight Lincoln in single combat, but Bellamy has to believe that's not true. Lincoln would wipe the floor with him and Octavia would mock him for the rest of their lives. And, honestly, _none_ of them are up to beating Lincoln in a fight, so there's no way that can be it. They already have enough footage of everyone getting their asses kicked in training, they don't need more.

But having to complete some weird strength test to prove their worthiness feels completely on brand for the show, and Bellamy can probably do that. He was in good shape before the show started, and the daily workouts and challenges definitely have him even better off. He's not the best physical specimen on the show, but he still likes his odds to win, depending on the challenges.

Going last in any event is always a little stressful, especially when he doesn't see the people doing it before him, but the good news is that no one's paying any attention to what he's up to, so he and Miller can just play Words With Friends while they wait. 

It's weird, the knowledge that he's going to miss this. This ridiculous show and these ridiculous people. This whole ridiculous experience. 

"Bellamy," says Anya, pulling his attention from Miller. "Your turn."

"If I die, tell Clarke to never let my sister live it down," he says.

"Not that you love her?"

"She knows that. She might not know she killed me." He wipes his hands on his tunic and stands, goes into the tent where Lincoln is waiting. 

He and Lincoln haven't been one-on-one very often, which is nice, if he's honest. When they're out in the open with all the other contestants, it's a lot easier to remember that this is Legatus, their training master, not Lincoln, his almost brother-in-law. 

"Legatus," he says, with a nod.

The smile is all Lincoln. "Bellamy. Congratulations on making it this far, I knew you could. And I didn't even have to cheat for you."

"Would you tell me if you had?"

"Probably. I'd feel bad sooner or later." He clears his throat. "Okay, real take?"

"Real take."

It's like flipping a switch; Lincoln's face smooths out, going hard and serious, and suddenly he's Legatus. "Bellamy. You have fought hard and overcome much, and now we have come to the end of the road. Tomorrow, we'll find out if you have what it takes to earn your place among the Bromans. But no matter the outcome, you have proved yourself as a warrior."

"Thank you."

"In recognition of your accomplishments, I have prepared something for you. A gift."

"A gift?" he blurts out, too surprised to remember to stay in some kind of character. "You're giving gifts now?"

"You have done well, you deserve to be rewarded." He claps his hands and a couple extras come in with--

 _Armor_. Actual, real-life _armor_. It's so fucking badass.

"Seriously?"

"You've earned it," says Lincoln, letting probably a little too much sincerity bleed through into his voice. But he recovers fast. "Now, don't let me down. Fight bravely tomorrow and show me what you're made of!"

"I will." He can't help flashing a grin; they can cut it. "Thanks."

Lincoln smiles back. "You're welcome."

*

After the unexpected gift of _his own set of armor_ , Bellamy really isn't sure what to expect next from the producers. It really could go anywhere at this point, so going back to the cesspit for the girls' last challenge is actually a little disappointing. Clarke, at least, is excited, but she has a good history there. If he'd figured out how to (lowkey) cheat in as many challenges in the cesspit as she had, he'd like it too.

And it was kind of where they had their first kiss. That part was cool too. But he was hoping for something a little more dramatic.

"This should be straightforward," Anya announces, once everyone is gathered and the shit-talking Clarke has died down. "You all know the drill by now. There are three bags, and you have to get two of them back to your pedestal. Only one bag at a time, and no one is allowed to help you. If you want to get the bag away from your competitor, you have to earn it. The winners of the first round will go on to compete against each other for the prize."

"What is the prize?" Ontari asks.

Anya smiles her usual tight smile, like she realizes that there is no "prize" in _Bromans_ that's actually good. "You'll get to pick your boyfriend's first opponent in the emperor's games."

Even by their admittedly low standards, it's pretty uninspired, but that doesn't matter to Clarke. Clarke doesn't need a reason to be competitive, she goes cut-throat competitive at the drop of a hat.

He really does love her.

"The first round will be Clarke versus Ontari and Gaia versus Raven," Anya adds. "Raven, we need to check your leg in the water first."

Bellamy leans in close to Clarke as Raven tests her brace in the water. "You know this doesn't matter, right?"

"I know."

"I don't care who I fight."

"Yeah, it doesn't really matter."

"Ontari is kind of scary."

She makes a face. "A little, I guess? Not that scary."

"All I'm saying is that the stakes could not be lower here. So you should just have fun."

"Winning is fun," she says, and he puts his arm around her, kisses her hair. 

"I guess it is."

On the one hand, he's not really expecting Clarke to throw the match or anything. He knows better than to think she won't try. But he's hoping she won't do anything extreme, or come up with some weird new trick that finally gets her banished from the show. It would be a real anticlimax to lose like that.

And, in Clarke's defense, she does absolutely nothing to bend the rules. She picks up only one bag, takes it to her pedestal, glances at Ontari, then back at the bags. In theory, she's got this--most people who win the sprint win the whole game, but Ontari's more athletic than than Clarke and definitely fights more. 

"I really hope Ontari doesn't try to drown her," Raven murmurs.

"I wish she was up against you or Gaia," Bellamy admits. "I'm pretty sure she and Ontari both take this way too seriously."

"Are you kidding? I'm going to win this. If I go up against Clarke, I'm going to crush her."

"Yeah, but not, like, murder her."

"Not if I don't have to."

"You don't think Clarke can outrun her?" Roan asks.

"I think we're going to find out."

Really, the big issue is that Bellamy doesn't actually have to watch Clarke do this very often. She did challenges when he was in "jail," but everything else has been assisting him or ridiculous. He never had to worry the way she did about injuries, even ridiculous, historically inaccurate Broman injuries.

All he wants is for it to be over soon, so, of course, it lasts _forever_. 

Bellamy realizes almost immediately how bad it's going to be. He catches Clarke's expression when Ontari jumps her, the hard, stubborn set of her jaw, a clear sign that she will stay there forever if that's what she has to do to win.

"Someone should start a timer," he mutters.

"A timer?" asks Gaia.

"This is going to take a while."

"How long can you fight over a sand bag?" Raven asks, and it's not as if she's going to jinx it, but she's definitely underestimating how stubborn Clarke is. But understanding starts to dawn on her (and everybody else) after about five minutes, when they've barely moved and Bellamy has already settled in.

"You weren't kidding," Ilian says, slumping down next to him.

"Honestly, we should have brought a deck of cards. Unless Dax thinks Ontari's going to give up on this."

"They're going to die in that pool," Dax says. From anyone else, Bellamy would take it as deadpan humor, but he can't tell that Dax has a sense of humor, so they really _might_ die in there.

"Legally we have to step in before anyone dies," says Anya. "So let me know if you think it's getting close."

"None of you are making me feel better," Bellamy grumbles.

"She's definitely not going to drown," Raven says, patting him on the shoulder. "And she's probably going to win. But she'll wear herself out and then I'll beat her with, like, zero effort. So this is perfect for me."

"I might beat you," Gaia puts in. "I mean, I probably won't. But there's always a chance."

Raven smiles like a shark. "Yeah, anything's possible."

Bellamy stops asking for updates on how long it's been at the twenty-minute mark, mostly because he thinks hearing it is worse than not hearing it. There's a part of him that just wants to yell to Clarke it doesn't _matter_ , but Ontari could end this at any time too, and she's not, so it's not like it's Clarke's responsibility to do it either. He's not going to tell her to quit when she could win.

Still, this is getting ridiculous.

"Honestly, I'm not going to just throw it in, but she probably deserves the win just for doing this," Raven says, after what has been at minimum forty minutes and could be as long as five hours, at this point. Time has lost all meaning. If the sun sets, he won't be surprised.

"Is there any way you can edit it to make this look like the finals?" Bellamy asks Anya.

She seems as hypnotized as all of them, for once, but her reflexes are as sharp as ever. "Raven would kill me, so, no."

"I'm glad we're all just assuming I'm going to win," says Raven. "Not that I'm not, but glad I've got your support." She starts. "Wait, head's up, Clarke is doing something."

Bellamy's attention snaps back to the cesspit, but it's already almost over. Clarke must have surged forward, taking advantage of how exhausted Ontari was, and she smacks the sandbag onto the pedestal with a resounding thunk.

"Clarke wins," says Anya, and Bellamy jumps into the water without thinking, dragging himself over to where Clarke has collapsed on top of her hard-won prize.

"Jesus, you could have just lost," he tells her when he reaches her, laughing a little in disbelief. He saw it coming, but somehow she still surprised him.

She raises her head for a tired smile, and he pulls her arm over his shoulders, half-dragging her out of the water.

"Have you met me?" she asks.

He gives her a quick kiss. "I have, yeah. That was amazing."

"How long was it?"

"No idea." He kisses her hair, relieved beyond words that this happened now, when he's allowed to kiss her as much as he wants. Ridiculous, yes, but this is the girl he fell in love with. "You know you have to do another round, right?"

"Yeah. Raven's going to kick my ass, I'm so done."

Raven and Roan are at the edge of the cesspit to help her up, Raven grinning ear to ear. "Fuck, I didn't know you wanted it that much," she teases.

"Like you don't," Clarke shoots back. She still looks exhausted, but Bellamy feels better with her out of the water, and even better when one of the crew has a towel he can use to try to warm her up. "Are you okay?" he murmurs, hopefully quietly enough that no one can hear it. He doesn't need this to make it on TV.

"Tired."

"Yeah." He wraps her up in his arms, reveling in the fact that he can, that she wants him to. He hopes he never gets used to itl he wants to always feel this lucky to be holding her. "That was really fucking cool."

"All I did was stay still."

"Trust me, it was cool."

Raven and Gaia don't take nearly as long, of course, which means Clarke has to go again almost immediately. Anya actually steps in and makes them wait, gives Clarke some gatorade and has one of the medics clear her before she goes in again.

"I'm still going to lose," Clarke tells him.

"You already won." He kisses her. "Give her hell."

Roan flashes him a smile as Clarke and Raven get set up. "We've done very well for ourselves, haven't we?"

It's not the kind of sentiment Bellamy would have expected to be feeling on the set of _Bromans_ , but here he is. His life is, against all odds, awesome.

"Yeah," he tells Roan. "We really did."

*

The feeling dies the next day, at the exact second Murphy says "fascinum."

The morning had been going pretty well up until then. They'd had an early night because Clarke was still worn out from the match with Ontari, and while her reminder that they'll be home again soon with a real life to figure out was a little stressful, he's pretty sure they'll be fine.

Mostly he's ready to be done, and he figured the games would take most of the day. He wasn't anticipating the dick-shaped bump in the road, but he probably should have been. Dick statues are too good for _Bromans_ to pass on. If he hadn't had so much going on, he probably would have been realized it was happening. He would have been disappointed if they didn't do this.

As it is, though, he kind of wants to die.

"Huh," says Murphy, looking Bellamy up and down like this is the Roman trivia he finally cares about. Which, to be fair, it probably is. Assuming he's like every other guy Bellamy knows who's ever studied Latin. "I wasn't sure you were gonna have that one off the top of your head."

Bellamy shrugs. "I took Latin in high school, that one was a big hit with everyone. Big reactions."

"Cool. You can share with the rest of the class."

"Seriously?" It feels like they shouldn't be able to do this on TV. _Bromans_ cannot possibly be airing on HBO. It would explain where they got their budget, but it's not an HBO show.

His dick is not going to be on TV. There's no way.

"It's an important part of Roman culture," Murphy says, straight-faced.

Clarke is frowning at him. "Spill."

His sigh will probably be cut like a dramatic pause, but mostly he's very tired. He would rather fight Roan in single combat again. "We're making penis charms."

Roan's dick is out almost before he's even finished, before Bellamy's even sure everyone else knows what's happening. "My time has come!"

That sounds about right.

The problem, of course, is that it's _only_ Roan's time. Roan is ready for this and excited, while the rest of them are just stripping down in front of a the entire cast and crew so they can stick their dicks into some cold plaster.

"Should we be, like--into this?" Dax asks, sounding dubious.

"If this is a kink for you, don't tell me," says Murphy. "I already know way more about all your dicks than I want to. Especially Roan. If you just found out this does it for you, keep it to yourself."

"No, I mean--"

"He's a grower," Ontari supplies. "Not a shower."

"Is it too late to quit this show?" Bellamy murmurs to Clarke. "We could leave, right? Hitchhike back?"

"Think about the kind of person who would pick up a hitchhiker with a flower pot on his dick," she says. "That's the last person you want to get a ride from."

"I was thinking I'd beat up Miller and take his clothes first."

"Wow, you've really got this figured out," says Miller, dry. "After everything I've done for you?"

"Which one of us has our dick in a flower pot?" Bellamy shoots back. "I don't have friends anymore. Just a list of people I hate. And Clarke."

"I should probably be on the people you hate this, I'm really enjoying this."

He glares at her. "How?"

"It's hilarious and I get to look at your dick. What's not to like?"

It's hard to maintain complete annoyance when Clarke is saying nice things about his dick, which she has touched and wants to continue touching in the future. That's an upside.

"I'm with Murphy, if this is a kink for you I don't want to know," he tells her, and she kisses his shoulder.

"Cool, I won't tell you."

Raven wants more information about fascinum because of course she does, and that conversation carries them through the end of actual molding process. Which, of course, leaves the awkward removal part, and then the cleaning up which, in a porno, would definitely involve Clarke blowing him, or possibly him, Roan, Ilian and Dax having an orgy, depending on the porno and its genre.

In real life, though, everyone is paying too much to removing their own dick pots to pay much attention to what he's doing, and they've all showered together enough that the nudity isn't even really that novel anymore. Sometimes it feels like he's more familiar with Roan's dick than he is his own at this point, but it's probably just because he doesn't have nightmares about his own dick.

"What were you expecting when you came here?" he asks the man in question.

"Hm?"

"Did you think you were going to be washing plaster off your balls?"

Roan seems to be really thinking it over, which means he might have, at some point in his life, thought about washing plaster off his dick.

Well, it's Bellamy's own fault for asking.

"Not this exactly, but the broad experience is what I was looking for. But I don't see why you decided to do it, honestly," is what he finally says.

"The Roman stuff isn't enough of a reason?"

"This is a far more accurate experience than I was expecting, and it's still not particularly realistic," Roan says, not unreasonably. "I don't think you were really expecting an authentic Roman getaway."

"No." 

"So, what were _you_ expecting?"

The truth, of course, was that he was expecting to spend a few weeks hanging out with his best friend and favorite person, and he'd be going slowly insane from fake PDA. It hadn't been related to _Bromans_ , specifically, which he had figured would be--

Kind of exactly what he got. Absurd and historically inaccurate and full of challenges he didn't want to do and weird shit he and Clarke could laugh about later. If anything, it's been _better_ than he expected, even leaving aside the fact that Clarke's actually in love with him too. He's made friends and had fun and he may never live this down, but he could actually _win_ , which is the best possible way to never live something down. He's within spitting distance of being the best Broman, and if he's not, there won't be any shame in losing to Roan.

"Not sure," he says, and smiles. "Nothing nearly this good."

Roan grins and claps him on the shoulder. "That's what I thought. Now, shall we go get our penis statues?"

Bellamy rolls his eyes. "We better, yeah."

Only in Brome.


End file.
